BOOK EXCERPT

The Spark

By Jay and Laura Laffoon
Baker Books

No Longer Two
Is There Such a Thing as Holy Sex?

With so many different couples reading this book, most likely some of you have a marriage that is going great right now. Reading this book is a celebration of a terrific marriage because you want to keep it going. We understand that for some of you, however, life has thrown some bumps in the road and you’re thinking, We need to reconnect and get ourselves back on track. Others of you think married life is rotten right now. You need time to focus and really sort out what marriage is all about.

We believe this book can meet each one of you at your point of need. Why? Because we’re going to point you back to the author of celebration: Jesus Christ. We’re going to explore how he can impact your marriage, not just today and tomorrow but every day of your life.

You see, we don’t just want you to have a good marriage. We don’t just want you to have a great marriage. We want you to have a holy marriage. We want to show you a way of being married that is totally different from what you might expect.

Along with that, we understand that even the subtitle of this particular chapter is going to set some of you on edge. But part of marriage is this thing called sex. No matter where you are on your life journey, it’s a part of the whole picture. And frankly, we don’t want you to have good sex. We don’t even want you to have great sex. We want you to have holy sex.

Now you know what we do for a living: we sit around dreaming up really strange ways to get people to think and act regarding their marriage. As we were putting this chapter together and trying to define what it means to have holy sex, we kept thinking of a takeoff of the old Batman and Robin television show: “Holy sex, Jayman!” Sorry, we digress.

For some of you reading this book, holy and sex are two words you’ve never thought about putting together. We’re telling you, no two words deserve each other more. God wants us to have holy sex. It’s going to impact every aspect of our life. Unfortunately, many of us were brought up like our friend Ken Davis, who shares that his parents always taught him, “Sex is dirty, naughty, and disgusting, so save it for marriage!”

The Purpose of Marriage

Relax, holy sex isn’t all about sex. Holy sex is about being one.

We love to ask couples, “What is the purpose of marriage?” Some of you may already be coming up with all kinds of answers in your head: procreation, companionship, fun, to find a “sugar daddy” or a “mommy dearest.” Or if you’re really spiritual, you might be saying that the purpose of marriage is to become like Christ.

We believe the purpose of marriage is to be one. It’s not the sex; it’s not the fun; it’s not the companionship; it’s not the sugar daddy or the mommy dearest. It is much more than that: the purpose of marriage is to be one.

Some of you reading this book might not be followers of Jesus. If that is the case, we hope you are pursuing what it means to follow him. (For more about what this means, click here!) But for those who are passionate followers of Jesus Christ, as Laura and I are, you know that if He tells us the purpose of marriage, then that should be the purpose. Case closed.

So what does he say? In Mark 10:6–8 Jesus says, “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’” Now understand something. Up to this point, Jesus is quoting the Old Testament; every Jewish person knew this passage of Scripture. But then Jesus stops quoting the Old Testament and gives the purpose of marriage: “So, they are no longer two, but one” (emphasis added).

The purpose of marriage, then, according to Jesus Christ himself, is to be one.

The Difference between Oneness and Being One

When we use the phrase being one, most Western minds think oneness, but the two are very different. Oneness is the perception that comes from sharing daily duties together. Being one is a state of the heart, soul, and mind.

When we discussed the difference between oneness and being one with our good friend Terre Grable, who is a professional counselor, she told us about a counseling technique she uses with couples. Terre talks to many couples who have not mastered what she terms the “institutional aspects” of marriage: figuring out who is going to assume which roles within the union (who is going to pay the bills, mow the lawn, bathe the kids, etc.).

We took that idea and discovered that a great way to discern the difference between oneness and being one is to understand the difference between the institutional aspects of marriage and the mysterious aspects of marriage. As we look at couples practicing the institution, we find people who live in the same house, pay the same bills, raise the same kids, maybe even go to the same movie together. While practicing these institutional aspects of marriage may bring a feeling of oneness, it does not constitute being one.

This is why so many couples wonder, “Is this really all there is to marriage?” This thought is the breeding ground for affairs. Men and women begin looking for fulfillment elsewhere because they have not become one with their spouse.

While the institution of marriage is mostly practical — figuring out who will pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, mow the lawn, and clean the house — the mystery of marriage is more of an art. The art is revealed as we discover the heart, soul, and mind of our spouse and, at the same time, reveal ours in order to probe the depths of emotion, character, and love, which is truly being one.

Let’s take a look at Scripture. The entire fifth chapter of Ephesians is encapsulated in the first four words: “Be imitators of God.” Seems simple enough. A few verses later Paul gives us some practical advice: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” (Eph. 5:3–4).

Paul goes on to give us an illustration that makes us think on a profound level:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:28–33

Even Paul, one of the greatest theologians ever, could not fully comprehend this mystery called marriage any more than we can practically comprehend the mystery of Christ’s church being one with him. This side of eternity none of us will ever have a lock on the art of being one. But the Lord has given us an opportunity to fulfill his prayer for his people:

That all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one. (John 17:21–22)

It is our conviction that becoming one will never happen in the church, nor will it ever happen in our families, until it first happens in our marriages. Marriage is the model for the church, not the church for marriage. Marriage is the simplest form of church. “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” (Matt. 18:20). Therefore, we must understand God’s plan for becoming one with our spouse before we can impact the world for Christ. When we strive to become one in our marriage, it will spill over into every other relationship and aspect of our lives. Here is a practical illustration from the world of sports.

There Is No "I" in Football

The year was 1986, and the hype surrounding the NCAA Division I football championship was so big that the Fiesta Bowl was moved from New Year’s Day to prime time on the evening of January 2. The title was going to be decided between two very different teams. Behind Heisman Trophy – winning quarterback Vinnie Testeverde, the number one ranked University of Miami Hurricanes was a flashy, superstar-ridden, offensive juggernaut putting up an average of thirty-eight points a game. In comparison, the number two ranked Nittany Lions of Penn State were the boring, uniformed version of a blue-collar plodder, their white with navy trim uniforms as dull as their game plan. Miami was the clear favorite.

I could tell you the winner before the game even started. You see, this was college football — one of the last and truest forms of a team sport. Miami came out for warm-ups with the names of the players embroidered on the backs of their uniforms. This made it easy to identify which superstar was making what amazing play. Penn State came out in their drab white and navy, and it struck me that there were no names on the back of their jerseys. I turned to Laura and said, “Penn State is going to win this one because they are a team.” Sure enough, when the game was over, Testeverde had thrown five interceptions and the Nittany Lions prevailed 14–10.

So what does this have to do with being one? Plenty. You see, when you put on the “uniform” in marriage you put on a uniform that has no name on the back — no superstar husbands or Heisman Trophy wives. Sure you have an identity, but it’s the team’s identity, not your own. You are one.

The Beginning of Being One

Let us lay it on the line. Most men like sex. I mean REALLY like sex. In our work with couples we are finding about 20 percent of men have a lower sex drive than their wife, but by and large, most men really like making love to their wives.

Men are simple creatures. I tell Laura that I am as simple as a straight line: “Frankly, Honey, if I’m not asking you for a sandwich then, yep, I’m in the mood.”

This is difficult for women to comprehend and results in the “boorish pig” label women attach to men. For whatever reason, God made man to desire to chase after his wife.

It has always been this way! Remember the playground? When our Grace was in second grade, our after-school conversation went something like this:

“How was your day?”

“It was great,” she would reply. “We read books, did math, and played on the playground.”

“What did you play on the playground?”

“We teased the boys until they started chasing us. Then they chased us until we got caught.”

From the earliest ages, women love to be chased and men love the challenge of pursuit.
The Bible gives us a great metaphor. Spiritually speaking, Jesus (the bridegroom) is always chasing his church (the bride). “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me” (Rev. 3:20). Unfortunately the church often takes a long time to come around to desiring that deep relationship with Jesus.

We understand this concept in the spiritual realm, and we need to see the correlation to men and sex. We don’t understand the mystery of why Christ (bridegroom) is always chasing the church (bride). In the same way there is no explaining the mystery of why a husband has such a strong desire to chase his wife!

This does explain why, for a man, sex is the beginning of being one. Whether consciously or unconsciously, a man’s thinking goes something like this: WOW, was that great! I can’t believe this beautiful creature actually wants to have sex with me. She’s incredible, and I want to get to know her even better so maybe we can do that again.

True Confessions of a Happy, Happy Man!

Laura and I had sex last night. I don’t tell you that in some voyeuristic, sicko way. I tell you that so you will understand what I’ve been doing today while writing this part of the book.

Laura is away today speaking for a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. We have just gotten back from one weekend retreat and are heading to another this Friday. The laundry is piled high, dirty dishes are stacked in the sink, and there is no plan for dinner. As I kissed her good-bye at 6:30 a.m., I decided that I was going to do the laundry, wash the dishes, and fix dinner today. Why? Because I am a happy, happy man!

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my wife after we’ve had sex. I want to please her in every way possible. I want to get to know her better and pursue her so that, yes, we might do that again.

True Confessions of a Happy, Happy Woman!

While Jay’s “happy, happy day” was the day after having sex, mine (Laura’s) was the day leading up to it. You see, we had sex that night because it had been a good day. We had worked in the morning, together. We had a lunch date. We laughed, talked, and had a great day! For a woman, sex is the culmination of being one. Here is an often-heard cliché that I think definitely applies: “For a man, when all is right in the bedroom, all is right in the world. For a woman, when all is right in the world, all is right in the bedroom.” Do you see how that works? For a man, being one begins in the bedroom and then the rest of his world is right. For a woman it is just the opposite. Being one begins outside the bedroom.

Being one for a woman is a process. I liken it to kitchen appliances. Women are Crock-Pots; they are slow cookers. You have to plug them in first thing in the morning, and they take all day to cook. Men, on the other hand, are like microwaves — punch the right buttons and they are ready to go!

We will discuss this further in chapter 7 when we talk about physical intimacy and its impact on being one. As we look at being one, we cannot overlook the primary way we express being one.

The Impact of Holy Sex on Marriage

So how does holy sex — being one — impact marriage? In every way. As a couple discovers the depth and satisfaction that come from being one, life and daily routines take on new and exciting meaning. He no longer mows the lawn out of obligation, and she no longer cleans the house out of duty. We do these things in order to discover more of the mystery as we travel the road of shaping our marriage into what God intends. No longer is it Jay and Laura, who happen to be married, but the marriage of Jay and Laura, a single entity designed in heaven and lived out for the glory of God. So how do we achieve holy sex? How do we achieve being one?

We like to think of it as the intimacy dance. Dancing is one of the most intimate actions on the planet. That’s why we don’t want our teenagers doing it! Picture the scene: face-to-face, moving together, not saying a word, and yet knowing exactly what the other is thinking and feeling. That’s intimacy.

One thing we have found is that the only way you can dance is if you are living in the moment. You don’t dance in the past; you don’t dance in the future; you dance right now.

A couple can dance as two separate individuals stepping on each other’s toes, not sure who is leading, looking uncomfortable and awkward. Or a couple can dance as two individuals who have come together intentionally, moving together as one, each doing their part of the dance seamlessly, meshed together, music in motion.

Fire dances too! We have all sat around a campfire entranced by the dancing flames. A beautiful ballet choreographed to perfection. Separate those flames by breaking up the logs and the flame soon dies. The same is true with the spark of intimacy. The five facets of intimacy are like the logs of a fire. As we intertwine our lives the flame grows and the fire burns brighter.

Time to set your marriage ablaze!