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Why I Dumped Johnny Depp for a Sensitive Guy

By Julie Ferwerda

CBN.com – I sheepishly admit, there was a time when I had a fascination for guys (and pirates who wear eyeliner) like Johnny Depp—virile, adventurous, brave, unpredictable, and very male. There was something mysterious about a guy like that…something untamable that left me wanting to be the one to bring out the tender guy hidden somewhere beneath the rough exterior, yet holding on to the wild and daring man without.

It didn’t take long in the dating world to discover that this man is only a fabrication of the Hollywood mind. My experience was that there was no brave warrior by day and sweet sensitive romancer by night. When I happened to locate one of those high-testosterone all-male-males, there was a “package deal” involved. Get a guy like that, I noticed, and you’ve got a guy who’s addicted to adrenaline—snowboarding the avalanche zones, kayaking furious white water, stalking mountain lions and grizzly bears for his trophy room, or surfing the pipes in shark infested waters. The slightly tamer varieties are still out seeking thrills on four-wheelers, fishing boats, or snowmobiles, at every opportunity, leaving little time for relationships.

Now please understand, I’m not being critical of men who seek outlets for their inherent and wonderful wild side, as John Eldredge is famous for writing about. In fact, these activities for many men are a great way to relax and unleash their passion and it’s inspiring to watch them in action. Many great men can balance their family responsibility and personal lives with their leisure. No, I’m talking about the Johnny Depps of the real world—unattainable-of-heart men, and I’m talking to the women like I was who think that is the kind of man they must have…this untamed man (of which there are many) who refuses to be caged by love or responsibility.

And so it was for me, when I would try to coax out the tender-hearted companion from these kinds of men—the one as advertised on the big screen—I would find quite a different scenario. When he did have spare time at home, he’d either be glued to ESPN Sports Center, or else tinkering under the hood of his car. When I complained about feeling neglected or tell him I wanted some bonding time, he’d generously offer a corner of the couch so I could watch the NBA playoffs with him. It always seemed to be about his things, his interests, his activities. If I opted out of his “leisure” activities, he would try to feign disappointment while simultaneously phoning his Johnny Depp cronies (some of them acted like pirates while others smelled like them), and they’d eagerly jump in the truck to do the male thing for the weekend.

After a few cycles of dating these kinds of guys, I was over it. There had to be other options to my Depp-fetish. But what? Hanging out with sissy boys for shopping and chick flicks was probably fine in a friendly kind of way, but not for anything more. Where was the balance for a date and potential life partner?

Then I met this guy. On our first phone conversation, he cried. He was in the middle of telling me about something sad in his life, and he just cut loose in an all out voice-quivering, tear-shedding, snot-blowing sob. Whoa…this guy is pretty secure with his emotional expression. Was this good? Was this healthy? Was this macho?

Admittedly, I was suspicious. This was not normal behavior for the kind of guys I had dated—for the Johnny Depps of this world—and I didn’t want to trade in one extreme for the other. I’d never been out with a guy like this, but I stuck it out for awhile, all the while the question looming in my head. What if he’s confused about his sexual orientation? He didn’t act effeminate, but still.

We continued to date. It didn’t take long to confirm that this guy was very male, yet not in a J-D kind of way. He loved sports, but didn’t watch them or play them to extremes. He was really into downhill skiing and could ski runs that made the average spectator (me) shudder with fright. He liked all kinds of guy things, like fixing cars and playing around on computers, but when it came to how much attention he devoted to all those things, he was strangely balanced.

After awhile, I began to notice amusing things about him. While he did have some aggravating male qualities like being very competitive and displaying male answer syndrome on occasion, he had the other side too. He liked to shop (he would deny this, but I swear it’s true). He loved hanging out chatting with my girlfriends and me over coffee. He loved taking walks in the sunset. He could tolerate chick flicks reasonably well. And best of all, he liked doing dishes!

Suddenly it all made sense. This guy was all man, but he was also in touch with his feminine side and he could show it when the occasion called for it. He was very comfortable with sexual identity and didn’t have anything to prove. He could be a man rustling around in the garage with power tools one minute, and then move into the kitchen to hang out with the girls the next. With all that balance in his life, it occurred to me that when it came to a true masculine role, he demonstrated some of the characteristics of…Jesus!

Now this…this kind of guy would make a great husband, I reasoned. In my history of dating, I had never even thought to look for this kind of guy, but suddenly I realized what women really want. Even if they don’t know it yet, they want a man and a woman all in one. They want the guy that’s all guy but who can let down his guard and be sensitive too, because those kinds of guys make the best life companions. And once I put it all together, I wasn’t about to let this one go—I’d be crazy to let a man get away who liked doing dishes!

All this is to say, that if you’ve been attracted to the Johnny Depp kind of guys like I was, be cautious about the ones who won’t make true companions. There’s such a thing as too much of a certain thing. Look for balance. While you want a guy that’s somewhat wild and wooly, you might have to trade off a bit for a responsive guy who makes a great best friend.

I’ve been happily married to this sensitive hunk of a guy now for seven years, but I do have one little complaint. I still haven’t convinced him he’d look hot wearing eyeliner. Aaarrgh!

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